Captain’s Log : Scene 1

It’s been a busy start to the year! Knowing this post is coming out a few months after the new year, I’ve been hard at work with my job, life, and writing future projects. It’s held me back from posting more. But I still want to make some meaningful posts!

I figured it would be cool to continue looking at all my other projects beyond Cordolium and decided to revisit a play I wrote several years back. CAPTAIN’S LOG is a 90-minute comedy that lovingly parodies old sci-fi shows of the 60’s through the 80’s. The story follows Commander Sally Ride, First Officer on an intergalactic starship, as she deals with her bumbling captain Edward Smith.

This play was a lot of fun to write and was even successfully staged as a full production. Enjoy!

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CAPTAIN’S LOG

SCENE 1

Lights come up slowly on the bridge of an

impressive starship, reminiscent of the bridge

from STAR TREK. Down center there are two panels

where the pilot and science officer will sit.

Upstage is a curved wall with various stations for

navigation and communications, as well as a

special station SL for the first officer. Center

stage is the famed captain’s chair. The cast is

seen at their posts performing their duties. The

distant sound of blips and beeps from futuristic

computers whirs in the background. The captain,

EDWARD SMITH is seen standing center with his foot

propped up on the captain’s chair. He is eating an

apple. He is bold, braggadocious, and critical.

But it’s all a front.

EDWARD

Captain’s log. Star date… April 15th… something something. The crew and I have docked at the Normandy station to resupply before our next big mission. We returned to the station triumphant warriors. I led a daring mission to rid a nearby colony of vicious marauders, a battle in which I defeated no less than 20 deadly enemies. The crew gave me the nickname, Edward... what was it? Aha! "Savior of the Universe" Smith. High Command is set to award me another medal for the mission; another golden addition to a golden career.

As he speaks, the first mate, SALLY RIDE, walks

from her post down to stand on the captain’s side,

SR. She listens, annoyed, but waits according to

her duties.

EDWARD (CONT.)

Now the admiral has assigned a new mission to the bravest captain in the fleet and his unwaveringly faithful crew-

SALLY

Sir.

EDWARD

For heaven’s sake, Ride, you’re interrupting my log.

SALLY

Yes, your very factual log. Did you mention the part where you never even set foot on the colony during the fight?

EDWARD

Nonsense. I could see the colony on the screen here on the bridge. With 8k definition, it was like I was practically there. Besides, my strategy to defeat the marauders worked beautifully.

SALLY

Your strategy was "shoot the marauders till they’re marau-done."

EDWARD

I’m sorry, commander Ride, I can’t hear you over the sound of absolutely no marauders left. My, would you look at all of these no-more-marauders? It’s impossible to hear anyone.

SALLY

(Accepting defeat) Fine. Brilliant strategy, sir. Thank you for your service.

EDWARD

Ride, unless your thanks comes in the form of medals or things named after me, take it elsewhere.

SALLY

Captain, it’s important.

EDWARD

Are we being attacked by Cylons?

SALLY

No.

EDWARD

Are we being attacked by slow moving lizard people who wield sticks and large rocks?

SALLY

No.

EDWARD

Is there an enemy ship captained by a ruggedly handsome captain that reminds you of someone except for an evil looking goatee?

SALLY

For the last time, no. That was a dream you had.

EDWARD

Then what is it you needed from me?

SALLY

I was trying to tell you that the admiral’s shuttle docked a while ago and he and the ambassadors are on their way to the bridge.

EDWARD

What? Why didn’t you say so sooner. I must compose myself. Kaden.

KADEN, the young and absent-minded pilot, turns

from his post to look at the captain. As the

following exchange occurs, SALLY moves back to her

post.

KADEN

Yes, sir?

EDWARD

(Sitting in the chair) How do I look?

KADEN

Like a million dollars, sir.

EDWARD

(Very serious) I like you, Kaden. You’re going places.

LINUX, the science officer posted downstage next

to KADEN, turns to face them. LINUX is a robot. He

walks and moves like a human, but has trouble

expressing emotions and thoughts in a relatable

manner. His make-up is minimal: just enough to

show that he is a robot.

LINUX

A cursory scan would indicate that you appear healthy, captain. However, my biometric scanners indicate that your cholesterol is 3 points higher today than it was this time last week. I suggest eating less fried food such as corn-dogs.

EDWARD

Linux, while I appreciate the effort, the robotic scanning thing creeps me out. Stop reading my mind. How did you know I had corn-dogs?

LINUX

You activated the PA system to inform the crew you found a box and planned to eat all of them.

EDWARD

I recall no such thing. Stay out of my mind, Linux.

LINUX

Believe me, captain, I would not want to go in there. As I have stated numerous times, my design is focused on scientific research and analysis, with the necessary processors for calculating astrometric data. No robot can read your mind.

EDWARD

Hmm. That sounds like something a mind-reading robot would say...

Focus shifts the the First Officer’s station.

SALLY is at work on her panels, when PIPER HAWKINS

walks over. She is the ship’s doctor. She is

supportive, if not reserved. PIPER is watching the

captain and the others talk.

PIPER

Sometimes I’m just amazed that this ship hasn’t blown up yet.

SALLY

Give it time. This new mission is a "peace-keeping priority," and I’d bet 20 dollars he’ll find a way to shoot something.

PIPER

You almost have to admire him for it.

SALLY

Really?

PIPER

At least he’s consistent. He could be worse.

SALLY

Not by much. He’s only here for one reason-

The ADMIRAL, James Smith, enters SL. Behind him

are three beings dressed in regal clothes. One male,

is human, and is MALCOLM Pierson, the ambassador

from earth. The female, is Lithorian. They are a

race of red skinned aliens. Her name is QUINARRA.

The last one, a male, is from the race Sardakk, an

all blue race. His name is H’COR, and he stands

prim and proper.

ADMIRAL

Ride, your shuttle bay is a disaster.

SALLY

Admiral, sir, I did not see you come in.

ADMIRAL

It took 45 seconds for my shuttle to be docked and pressurized. Tighten it up down there. I expect more.

SALLY

My apologies, sir.

ADMIRAL

Captain Smith. (He steps forward.)

EDWARD

Admiral... Smith. (He stands.)

ADMIRAL

Come here, son!

EDWARD

Daddy!

PIPER

(To SALLY) I’d say he’s got a good reason to have the job.

ADMIRAL

Fantastic work out there on the colony, son. You’re doing us all proud.

EDWARD

Why, thank you, sir.

ADMIRAL

Son, I’d like you to meet some people. These are the ambassadors that you will be escorting to Arteen 7. Malcolm here is the human representative.

MALCOLM

Captain, it’s an honor.

EDWARD

I know.

MALCOLM

I hope you understand the importance of this mission. Humanity and the Lithorians have been at odds with each other for decades. Now, on the brink of war, we have a chance to make lasting peace.

ADMIRAL

Precisely.

EDWARD

And we shall see you delivered to the rendezvous point for the summit. You have my word.

ADMIRAL

Wonderful. Now, this is the Lithorian ambassador, Quinarra.

QUINARRA

(Taking a bow) I am joyful to meet such a brave warrior as yourself, Captain Smith.

EDWARD

Oh, my. Please, milady, the joy is all mine. You are a sight to behold.

QUINARRA

Captain, flattery will only go so far. Do not lie for the sake of pleasing me.

EDWARD

I wasn’t.

H’COR

Well this is going well.

EDWARD

H’cor? Cory my old friend, is that you?

H’COR

Just H’cor is fine.

EDWARD

How’s life, lizard breath?

H’COR

I’ve told you multiple times. I’m not a lizard. My race, the Sardakk, is cold-blooded and more closely related to your reptilian animals than your mammals, but that does not make us lizards. We are still sentient beings that-

EDWARD

Sure, sure. Less boring talk. Are you still my dad’s secretary? 

H’COR

(Deep breath) Technically, yes. I am an administrative liaison serving for my race.

EDWARD

How are the Sardakks doing these days? Any new mining settlements?

H’COR

Unfortunately not. Most of the prime locations are taken up by you earthlings or the Lithorians.

EDWARD

Well don’t give up hope. I’m sure you’ll find a big ugly rock out there just brimming with metal.

H’COR

Thank you for your kind words.

ADMIRAL

Edward, you know the plan, correct?

EDWARD

Of course. We take the ambassadors to Arteen 7, wait in orbit for the Lithorian ship to come pick them up, and then wait for them to return with the new treaty. Easy Peasy.

ADMIRAL

We’re counting on you for this one, son. This mission could set things right.

EDWARD

It will be fine. Don’t worry.

MALCOLM

No, Captain, you should worry. If this treaty falls through, it could mean war with the Lithorians. And that cannot happen.

EDWARD

I’ve fought in battles before, Ambassador, there’s nothing that will scare me.

QUINARRA

While I admire the bravery, Captain Smith, you should know that my people have been warriors long before your people discovered fire. A war would not go well for either side.

EDWARD

Right. Got it. Get ambassadors to rendezvous point. Ensure treaty is made. Sounds good.

ADMIRAL

Good luck. Once our shuttle’s out, you’re free to take off. H’cor, come.

EDWARD

Hey, Cory, buddy! See ya!

H’COR grumbles as he and the ADMIRAL exit SL.

EDWARD (CONT.)

Lieutenant Drake, how long till we reach Arteen 7?

DRAKE, the ship’s navigator sits at the radar

screen. He is reserved but willing to help.

DRAKE

At full hyper-speed it will take us just under a day, sir.

EDWARD

Excellent. (He focuses mainly on QUINARRA) Ambassadors, perhaps I could show you to your rooms?

MALCOLM

That would be lovely.

EDWARD

Then maybe I could have a nice meal prepared for us and we could discuss the mission in length.

SALLY

Sir.

EDWARD

Quiet, Ride.

QUINARRA

I would find that to be an agreeable way to spend the evening.

MALCOLM

Wonderful. I shall bring my notes.

EDWARD

Perhaps I will light some candles to set the mood?

QUINARRA

Go on...

MALCOLM

Sorry, but candlelight would not be the best way to look over my notes. 

EDWARD

Oh, well, you see Malcolm, it was actually just-

MALCOLM

Yes?

EDWARD

Nevermind. Let’s just go to your rooms. (He turns to BLANCHE, the communications officer in the back.) Lieutenant Blanche?

BLANCHE is a chatty and snarky comms officer who

is always talking but never doing her job.

BLANCHE

-so I told him to pack his things and go. Yes, Margaret, I told him that and he still wanted to argue.

EDWARD

Blanche.

BLANCHE

(Holds up a finger) And guess what happened next? So I opened the front door later, and-

EDWARD

Blanche!

BLANCHE

Honey, I’m going to call you back. (Turns on the captain) What?

EDWARD

Call Engineering up to the bridge, I want a full report before we leave.

BLANCHE

MARY-ANNE!

EDWARD

Blanche! Headset!

BLANCHE

Fine. (speaks into headset) Mary-Anne? He wants engineering to give a report. Yeah. Yeah. (Looks at the captain) No, he hasn’t noticed. Okay. Bye. (Back at the captain who is now confused.) She’ll be up in a flash.

EDWARD

Fine. Ambassadors.

EDWARD leads QUINARRA and MALCOLM off SL and too

their rooms. PIPER moves back to SALLY who is

still working.

PIPER

So you never told me how the interview went?

SALLY

I don’t want to talk about it.

PIPER

Oh, come on. What happened?

SALLY

They said no, okay. They said I had no need to request a captain’s rank.

PIPER

Oh, I’m so sorry. I know you wanted that.

SALLY

They said I’d learn more under the magnificent Captain Smith.

PIPER

Ah. So that’s why you’re so prickly today.

SALLY

You know, for the ship’s doctor, you have a terrible bedside manner, Dr. Hawkins.

PIPER

Come on, let’s talk it about. It’s good to just get it out.

SALLY

Drop it.

At this moment, MARY-ANNE enters SR. She is the

ship’s engineer. She has goggles and her sleeves

are rolled up. She is gruff and rough. She makes

her way over to PIPER and SALLY.

MARY-ANNE

Ok, I’m here. We’re ready to rock and roll.

SALLY

He’s not here.

MARY-ANNE

Oh, come on! Fine. I’ll wait.

LINUX, who watched MARY-ANNE come in comes up to

them.

LINUX

Excuse me, Ms. Mary-Anne.

MARY-ANNE

Oh, hi there.

LINUX

I was wondering if it would be possible to move my weekly recharging session from Friday afternoon to Saturday morning.

MARY-ANNE

Are you going to have enough juice to last that long?

LINUX

I usually have about 20% battery by Friday, so I should be fine by Saturday. The captain requested that I attend the “captain’s conference on how to rely less on advanced technology to manage a ship” with him on Friday and take notes.

MARY-ANNE

Well whatever floats your boat. I’ll see you then. Glad we could fit it in your busy schedule.

LINUX

Beyond work and mandatory meetings, my schedule is generally open. Other than seeing you every week. Which I appreciate greatly.

MARY-ANNE

Remember, I got your bolts-

LINUX

And I got your back. Thank you. (He walks back to his station.)

MARY-ANNE

No, thank you.(To the others.) Would you just look at how he’s built. Man!

PIPER

Please tell me you don’t still have a crush on the robot.

MARY-ANNE

Oh it ain’t a crush, honey. I love that shiny piece of metal.

PIPER

Oh goodness.

MARY-ANNE

Say what you will, but he’s honest, and thoughtful. He was the only one to bring me flowers on my birthday.

SALLY

We took you out for dinner.

MARY-ANNE

That’s different. He was the only guy to bring me anything. But alas, love is fickle. And I can’t get out of him if he feels the same way. So, what were you cats gossiping about before I got here.

PIPER

Sally didn’t get the promotion she wanted.

SALLY

Piper.

MARY-ANNE

Sorry to hear about that. You doing okay?

SALLY

I’m fine.

EDWARD reenters from SL and makes his way to the

captain’s chair.

SALLY (CONT.)

How was your dinner?

EDWARD

We rescheduled. I’m playing the long game here, Sally.

SALLY

Naturally.

EDWARD

Alright, loyal crew. We have a mildly boring mission ahead of us. But, if I know mildly boring, something not boring is bound to happen. System’s report.

KADEN

Helm. Ready to go.

LINUX

Science. All sensors and deep space scans are functioning and report no hazards in our course.

PIPER

Medical. Med-bay is stocked and ready to receive. I’d like to keep it that way.

DRAKE

Navigation. Clear skies ahead. No unidentified ships on the radar.

BLANCHE

No, that’s the episode where he wakes up from a coma to find out his wife remarried.

SALLY

Blanche!

BLANCHE

Hold on. (pauses her conversation) Comms. I’m trying over here guys. Lillith is apparently a few seasons behind on Desperate House-Aliens and she’s watching them out of order now.

EDWARD

Good heavens, does she know about the baby?

BLANCHE

She hasn’t gotten that far yet.

SALLY

Anything to report, Blanche?

BLANCHE

No. (She un-pauses her conversation.) Where were we?

MARY-ANNE

Engineering. She’s purring and ready to go, captain.

SALLY

All crew are accounted for and all systems are a go. We are clear for launch.

EDWARD

You heard the commander, helm. Guide my beautiful ship through space like a warm knife through butter.

KADEN begins to move things at his station like he

is piloting the ship. After a second, he looks

confused.

KADEN

It won’t go captain.

EDWARD

What? We’ve been sabotaged!

MARY-ANNE

Impossible. Everything was fine when I left the engine room.

KADEN

Controls are unresponsive.

SALLY

Did you disengage the brakes?

KADEN

Commander, please. I am not that stupid. I didn’t leave- (He checks and realizes he did. He fixes it) Helm reporting in. All systems ready to go.

EDWARD

Take us away.

KADEN pilots the ship forward. After a beat there

is a loud crashing sound and the crew jolts

forward.

EDWARD

Report!

KADEN

I don’t know, man!

DRAKE

We hit another ship.

EDWARD

What idiot parked their ship next to ours? I’d give

them a piece of my mind as I toss them out into space.

DRAKE

It’s the Admiral’s ship, sir.

EDWARD

Drake, prepare to take responsibility for this.

DRAKE

I’m sorry, what?

EDWARD

And, now! It’s your fault, Drake. Kaden, get us out of here. Now!

KADEN

Got it.

KADEN puts the ship in reverse. He looks over his

shoulder as the sound of a truck backing up is

heard. Once he’s done, he turns forward again.

EDWARD

Maximum speed. Engage.

The ship launches into hyper-speed and the lights

change on stage. Slow fade to black.